I'm Tiger 'F**king' Woods

Warning: Extreme Profanity! (Just so you know that your kids will love it too).

Tiger Woods just released a very lame statement about how he's sorry and hopefully regain his fans (by fans he means sponsors) support back. I'm frankly disappointed, I expected the Tiger to come out swinging. I can't see how he in his presumably drunk, heavily medicated state would really, unload all the crap. For starters, find me a single sane lawyer who can argue that Tiger Woods is legally obligated to act in an appropriate faithful manner. Slavery is Over. 

If the man wants to cheat on his wife, with multiple combinations of gorgeous women and abuse narcotics, freaking let him. If you're golfer, do you think your chance of beating Tiger gets better when he's high or when he's sober. Destroy the man's professional pride and that'll hurt more than any media feces avalanche you can come up with. 

Now I recreated the Pre-press briefing strategy meetings in my head. 

So this is how I think prep camp went:

PR Asskisser: So Tiger, are you ready to run through the speech we gave you.

Tiger Woods: yeah, I left that at the strip club, but don't worry, I know exactly what I need to say.

PR Asskisser:  but...but we agreed on a script Mr. Woods, perhaps I can go back to the club and get your copy complete with the notes you made?

Tiger Woods: Doubtful, I jammed the paper up some Eastern European hotties anus, Kandi Kebab or something. 

PR Feminsta: Jesus Christ, that dimwit is High as Air Force one. 

Tiger Woods: I'm not high yet, but give me 30 minutes and I'll be banging Alice in Wonderland. 

PR Asskisser: Maybe we should let him do a run through to see how he does, after all, he's Tiger Woods, the man shits gold bricks under pressure.

Tiger Woods: Hot Ladies & Gentle fuckwads, thank you for being here; though I'm not exactly sure why the hell you leeches came, probably because shit like Iraq, Haiti, Health Care don't matter for shit anymore, but in fact think that the biggest story of the decade is the location of my huge swinging penis and the collateral damage it's caused to my marriage, not to mention vagina's everywhere. Thanks a lot, and to show you that no hard feeling, I'm going to bang your wives, daughters, hell even your grand mother is going to get a little Tiger. 

PR Asskisser: Uh, Tiger, I don't think you should say that. They are pissed that you pretended to be Family man awesome, the super hero of the ideal family man.   

Tiger woods (ignore him and keep going): So lets clear up a few things, firstly, the rumours are true, I'm huge, like a whale but on a tiny man's body. If you want proof ask those gold digging whores all looking for some quick bucks, never pick women off street corners....damn I should really just bang married women from now on.

PR Feminista: yeah, like how about your own wife.

Tiger Woods: bitch, watch your mouth. Those are the lips that kiss my kids good night. Besides, have you ever seen a woman give birth, because I have, and after you see your model wife poop on the flipping delivery table your attitude towards banging her goes a whole different way. 

PR Chief Ass Kisser: C'mon Tiger, if you want to get back on the tour, you gotta apologize.

Tiger Woods: To who exactly, I am Tiger Woods, I made Golf, I'm bigger than golf, fuck, my penis is bigger than all of the golfers put together. But hey guys, the news your all waiting for! I will eventually return to the tour, whenever, I god damn please, and don't freaking expects any interviews, and if you are wondering why I from time to time hook the ball and it smacks right into your head through the camera lens with pin point accuracy, say my name douche bag, it's Tiger Fucking Woods!. 

If I'm deemed too inappropriate for the tour, I'll still tag along maybe not to play, but to do my own sex tour, lets just say I'll still be shooting 18 holes a day in a competitive environment.

As it is, finding women on a fucking golf course is tough enough, can you imagine how much tougher it'll be to get away from my wife and minders. Game on. Be a Tiger.

PR Chief Ass Kisser: Good job Tiger, quote your sponsors!

Tiger Woods: To my fellow professional and yet largely unsuccessful golf pros, The only reason you little skanky shits are up in arms about this is because your utterly jealousy of me. I made Golf cool, and you know that the next generation of multi racial golfers are going to whup your prep school asses. You look to the future and see nothing but empty trophy closets, wearing Tyre shop sponsored sweaters and crappy Indian made golf clubs....Indian's don't even play golf you cheap fucks. And the kicker is that you are all going to remain completely broke ass. Suck on that.  You silly shits are an embarrassment to any profession. 

But hey I can't blame you mostly white elitist snobs. You lost Baseball & Soccer to Latinos, Basketball & Football to African Americans, and now you have to wake up every morning knowing a super half Asian half black hybrid is beating the pants off every white man on the tour, and that if their wives are blonde and hot, you can bet your bottom nickel that Tiger will be spending a lot of time practicing on their putting green.

Tiger: They say I have sex addiction, that's bull shit. All guys would be addicted to sex if they could get as many bimbos as I could, I'll bet you a billion freaking dollars, that women are the ones who came up with the sex addiction rap to justify their cheating husband. 

I am the Hugh Hefner of Golf. That wuss has to tell people that he's Hugh Hefner, I got laid in the damn middle east, do you know how hard it is to get laid there? But I did, take that Hugh, you old wrinkly skinned bum fuck.

PR Asskisser: Tiger, that's not going to work, Play boy actually wants to sign an endorsement deal with you.  

Tiger Woods: Hey I have an idea, why don't I just walk into the room, high five everyone and then leave without saying a word. 

PR Feminista: You read the speech we gave you and I'll blow you later. 

Tiger Woods: I'll read the speech and you do whatever disgusting thing I want, I'm paying for that new Armani suit you skank. 

(Tiger reads the actual speech, sheds some tears, gets laid and lives happily ever) 

The End

To see my last Tiger Woods Post: Click here

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. Wood...in fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments. 

What They Really Wanted For Christmas

Christmas came and went with all the usual fan fare coupled with a dose of recession reality.
In Pakistan although we get Christmas as a holiday (as it is fortunate enough to coincide with Quad-e-Azam's (Pakistan's founder) death anniversary. Regardless, I think once the merriment of Christmas is over and one can truly evaluate their gifts without the watchful glare of their relatives, they can be truly honest with how they feel.

"Gee Aunty, that Swedish cook book is extremely thoughtful, I can't wait to try to make something" means "how sweet of her to get me a gift that will make my life easier" at the time, and a day later means 'I can't wait to give this rubbish book away, who likes Swedish food anyway, what I really wanted was that Gold Locket she said looked great on me"

So I've compiled a list of people and what they really wanted...

Madonna gets a gift certificate for botox; what she really wanted was to transplant herself into a younger hotter persons body....anyone have a kid up for adoption?

Donald Trump gets the bill for his wife's expensive shopping bill; What he really wanted was a government Bail out....anyone who can loan him a Mil? He'll pay you back on Tuesday.

Tiger Woods gets a get well soon card from his sponsors; What he really wanted was his golf clubs and an "end of year bonus check'....a crash proof car wouldn't be amiss either.

Tiger Words wife gets an expensive post nuptial contract plus an island full of gold; What she really wanted was to go back in time to the minute she met Tiger, kick him in the balls and walk away.

Barack Obama gets a huge array of terrific gifts from all the foreign heads of state and every ass kisser with any relevance in the political world; What he really wanted was a gift that he is actually allowed to keep...... and that his middle name wasn't Hussein....maybe Jesus but definitely not Hussein.

George W Bush gets a ton of hate mail (as he does every other day of the year); What he really wanted was a thank you card from Barack Obama for taking the heat off him. Ungrateful Liberal!

Democrats on the hill frenziedly pass a historic a haphazard health care bill; What they really wanted was a few days off to catnap, but they weren't sure if Byrd was going to make it.

James Cameron gets millions of dollars in Movie Royalty Checks; What he really wanted was enough Oscars to use as bowling pins....and a perfect game.

John McCain gets to spend time with his family on Christmas; What he really wanted was to play war games and be President....Seriously.

Osama gets to make a video tell his followers how Christmas was the day the devil came down from Mars and vanquished all of the infidels: What he really wanted was a new Kidney and a Massage chair with a cup holder.

Ben Bernake gets to stick around as Fed Chief and be Times Man of the Year for Christmas; What he really wanted was a day in Mexico with banjo and a tequila sunrise.

Goldman Sachs get huge bonuses for Christmas: What they really wanted were New Years, Kwanza and Hunakka bonuses too....a better PR director and take over of all the world media outlets wouldn't have hurt either.

Turkeys get to be Dinner at Christmas; What they really wished was that they didn't make fun of all those Turkey's that disappeared during thanksgiving.