KGS: Hello World! I am Grammarian Scum

nun lucerna pedibus meis verbum tuum et lumen semitis meis

Thy word is a lantern unto my feet and a light unto my paths.

-Jerome’s Latin Vulgate (405 AD)

Ever so often, in both my professional and personal life I am  pointedly reminded of one thing. Not that I am Desi, Shia Muslim, Wear Glasses or that I have a complete lack of rhythm, but that I am a Grammarian.; hence Elitist Ass Kicking Scum. Not that I particularly mind, being the recipient of the best educational institution in the country has its advantages. Chiefly that the uniform doesn't make one look like an idiot. White shirt with Grey Tussar trousers....and no emblem. The fact that its a kick ass school helps too.

Grammarians

Karachi Grammar School has, as most educational institutions that one is forced to attend for a decade or so, has shaped my upbringing, my opportunities and even my friends. It's without competition, the best School in the country (sorry young pretenders, look on the bright side, second place is wide open). It's because of this privileged experience and subsequent exposure that I have often been lectured that a  being a Grammarian, is a responsibility, a privilege and as cliched as it sounds, a burden. Much is given, much more is expected.

I thrive in it, I love it and damn it, I'm proud of it. Yes, you read right. I, a decent man in my mid-twenties am still damn proud of where I went to High School. I'd staple the fact onto my head if it weren't for the fact that I'm so Grammarian that the minute I start talking, people assume it. On the rare occasions that I somewhat reluctantly mention (it's bad manners to brag) that I went to Karachi Grammar School, the audience eyes widen and an envious glint tends to exhibit itself in a rather disconcerting way. A quick self check tends to validate that my clothes are still on and I'm not dancing in a burlesque club (Thank God, I was not kidding about the sense of rhythm). It rather creepy when someone looks at you with that crazed 'are you an Alien' look. I get better treatment from the good folks at Homeland Security (USA). Atleast they are satisfied after the initial pat down.

Now since I'm a Grammarian, hence a minority, even though not quite an endangered species, I still contend that one ought to defend those rights and remove those popular misconceptions about my 'species'. Apparently Grammarians are a species, I'm guessing Elvin.

I'm sure most Grammarian vs. Other School fights are sparked to life by an inherent curiosity if Grammarians bleed like the rest of Pakistan. We do. The blood is a Royal Purple though. Damn, we're so misunderstood.

Popular conceptions about Grammarians:

1. We're Shallow Snobs; We think we're better than everyone else. Now, every school has it's crowd of Shallow Snobs, Grammar is no different, at least ours can make some modicum of sense. It's called, prestige with a healthy side order of  'I don't give a shit.' Super Size please?

Benazir Bhutto: Grammarian Alumni

On a serious note, when everyone treats you like you're the direct progeny of Albert Einstein, you're bound to develop some airs. After a point, you tend to be drawn to people who go through that same experience. It's tough, particularly when you're not even old enough to drive (legally, or reach the gas pedal for that matter). Its not snobbery, it's just human, we are drawn to others with a similarity of habits. Saddam Hussein and Attila the Hun would have also gotten along famously....if they both were smart enough to get into Grammar School.   

2. Weak Food Processing Durability: We get sick from an old fashioned street bun kebab. Weak stomachs and all that, the addiction to mineral water aside, yes we do tend to consume hygienic food, it's certainly a massive cause for shame. We'll just wallow in misery as our life expectancy outlast the rest of the population. Though in some circles one could contend that we're simply averaging the life expectancy up. True Patriots! Take that World Health Statistics!

3. We can't speak Urdu: Largely True, mine sucks, and as much it must pain me to admit, my Urdu speaking scale generally reflect the average Grammarian level. I know for a fact that my version of Urdu adds countless thousands of rupees to my net spending. Thankfully, by being a Grammarian, I tend to earn countless thousands of rupees more.....my personal conclusion being .....So freaking what? Pump up the Economy me and my peeps do. On a side note, our Urdu isn't as bad as most people think, if you don't believe me, check out the number of A's we score in our O'Levels. It's totally Mash'allah.

4. We have accents: I never quite understood this one. Just because we (by in large) don't speak with a desi jhutt (slang) to all of our pronunciations, speaks volumes of our ability to enunciate. Sue me, we prefer pronouncing words correctly. As God, the Queen of England and my 8th Grade English Language Teacher Mrs. Tahir (who despite describing most of my behavior in words like Audacity and Temerity actually quite liked me) intended. Personally I rather blame all of the other language teachers in Pakistan, they obviously didn't grow up with the luxury of watching copious amounts of Mind Your Language, Yes Minister and Hugh Grant.

5. We all take Tuition Classes: Apparently being academic superstars isn't quite as impressive if you are getting extra help outside school. However, I'd like to point out that so does everyone else, we're quite the academic trendsetters. Next up, Grammarians will become fantastic alcoholics....oops, we've already got that reputation signed sealed and delivered. I wonder if parents blame Grammarians for extensively liberalizing their Wannabe Grammarian kids.....

We're also that Elitist Save the World Cretins Too!

Working harder and putting that extra academic effort also tends to explains why KGS students do better than most other schools. It's not rocket science. We have 6 hours of regular school in a day and on average another 4 hours of tuition....plus homework. So, it's not that we're just overtly smarter (which we would humbly admit that we are), we've also developed this mildly useful thing called work ethic. 

6. We're all super smart: It is no secret that Karachi Grammar School is the most  competitive school to gain admission into in Pakistan. On admission form collection days, parents tend to outnumber the entire student body. We call it, we only want the best of the best syndrome. Choosy lot we are. That is unless you have some political birth right, odds are that you need substantial levels of brain power to be accepted. Admittedly, we tend to discriminate on ability, it's called a meritocracy. After all, you can't fix stupid. Inequality is soooooo unfair.

How many Grammarian girls can you fit into a car?....A World Record Number Infact

7. Grammarians are Westernized: We are just as proud of being Pakistani as anyone else, and believe or not we have alot more to lose if Pakistan doesn't emerge from it's perpetual crisis state than most other people.  A fair proportion of Grammarians do leave Pakistan to pursue a future elsewhere, but most do make their homes here in Pakistan. True some of us may pick up western habits like fancy new designer clothes or a penchant for civilized behavior, but hey, a few chai's at Cafe Clifton, Dinners at BBQ tonight and the odd trip to Sunday Bazaar solves that. I personally recommend a healthy addiction to Slice Mango Juice, Apple Sidra and Pakola Lime.

8. We're All Rich: Contrary to the lines of cars one sees outside the Grammar campuses in Saddar and Boat Basin, the student body of KGS is actually fairly diverse along both socio economic and religious lines. In terms of fees the school is actually the cheapest amongst it's peers (haha, that's assuming we even had peers, which we don't). On top of the lower fees, there are also numerous scholarships for students that are based solely on merit. We take the brilliant and make them even better. That's our modus operandi, if the perception exists that all Grammarians are rich, it's because the student body that emerges excels in every field it meanders into....and that usually result in a pretty substantive payoff. That's a testament to the dogged Grammarian spirit and the reputation of the educational institution. 

9. We have the best looking girls: Yes. Guilty as charged. It's the reason that every male child works so damn hard to get into KGS. It's all about the Chicitas. Pity the ladies tend to be of the smart variety. Tip: Learn some sappy sonnets.  

10. We have an unfair advantage in Life. Yep, we do. That's what we get for being Awesome.

Kofi Annan: Grammarian Alumni

Contrary to popular opinion, no one is born a Grammarian, they earn it, through perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style. All satire aside, you make your own place in the world, being a Grammarian and learning the lessons the institution has to offer just gives you a stronger starting point. The rest is up to your  personal drive, ambition and character. We're just lucky that we tend to attract those who have it in abundance.

Let the Grammarian Hating Begin.

For more information on Karachi Grammar School: 

http://www.kgs.edu.pk/Default.aspx

http://www.ogs.com.pk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karachi_Grammar_School

Be Nice to Police Wallas!

"Be Nice to Police Wallas." I know any Pakistani or person who has every felt wronged by our esteemed law enforcement agency will have a severe intestinal spinning reaction to this statement, but just bear with me. We Really Should be Nice to the Police, especially in Pakistan. Now, based on overwhelming consensus, most are corrupt and there may be a shortage of traditional honesty in the ranks, but one can contend that even the corrupt ones deserve to be treated with respect, and for the few occasions where one actually encounters an honest cop, they ought to appreciate the rarity.

Why? because frankly, they do a lot for us which we either  ignore or don't appreciate their work as they are merely 'doing their jobs'.CEO's get big bonuses for good performances, police wallas get.....squat. The truth is that, we, the Pakistani populace is part of the problem. If this was a business, we'd be the annoying customers who everyone unequivocally hates. Let's be honest, we all love to bitch and whine about our corrupt bribe taking gun toting Cops, but we fail to consider the circumstances that they operate in. All in all, their lives suck.

Perpetually disrespected: Let's face it, no one respects the work that cops really do in terms of maintaining law and order. We have some cultural mindset defect that at the first sign of trouble we want the Rangers to be brought into the city to save us with their big guns and heavy equipment. My driver even mentioned at a recent traffic jam near the Sheraton that if the rangers were brought in to manage traffic that traffic jams would become extinct.

I'm a particular fan of the traffic police who ensure the smooth-ish flow of traffic on Karachi's law breaking roads, with the only tools at their disposal being their flapping arms and their ability to fearlessly navigate a stream of fast paced cars that insist on hitting their breaks less than a few feet away from them. And yet they stand solid in front of cars with little regard to their own well being. If this was any other profession we'd consider this grounds for dismissal on the grounds of mental health.

Bare bones authority is their modus operand um: the police get overruled on a whim by everyone. Why? Because they have no desire to get fired for correctly fining a person for breaking the law, just because the violators are well connected. In fact all you have to do is throw a few big names (the term General Saahib works quite well) and then they'll usually let you go. Driving an expensive imported car helps too. The only people they actually really bother are the poor and middle class, who aren't exactly flush with cash.

Considering how little they get paid and food prices sky rocketing on a whim coupled with how dangerous their jobs are, I do to some degree sympathize with them, as much as I hate corruption on a personal level, it's difficult to imagine how else they would make their ends meet. After all, it's not like they live the Espresso Life. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Perpetually scared for your life. Naturally, Gangsters, mobsters, looters, Taliban and the other pillaging thugs of Pakistan like nothing better than to have the police butt out of their affairs. Which the police is largely happy to do via soft understandings which may or may not include exchanges of cash/services complete with the logic that it's better for the various Mafia's to wipe each other out. Add to the fact that the mafia is usually better armed than the cops are.

It isn't uncommon for the Police to be lynched by the very mob that they are trying to protect: The Common mob is particularly prone to target the police in their protests...and this is when they are trying to ensure everyone (well mostly everyone) gets out alive.

Let's face it, even at the most mundane level the police have some hazardous working conditions. The guys who work the street have it bad, they have the pleasure to stand in the sun all day directing traffic, kicking away beggars, or patrolling our trash infested streets, waiting for something bad to happen (well something bad enough for them to care about). I sure hope the traffic cops at least get free laundry service. Keeping those uniforms white after a day sweating in the sun or getting drenched by the rains must be an inevitable failure of an enterprise.

The guys in their offices have it even worse, if anyone has been inside a police station they'll be impressed by the ingenuity of the place. Termite riddled Desks are held together with super glue, cement bricks act as support for rickety furniture. Poor interior decoration coupled with a lack of good looking women leads to a poor work atmosphere. The criminals don't help much either. An inherent lack of attractive women lead to terrible morale. Look at all of the foreign banks, pretty women = terrific morale....pity the performances don't match.

We live in a country where a Pizza hut delivery guy gets to your house before the police. Now the number of brand new police Toyota Corollas and Suzuki Mehrans are highly misleading. Majority of our cops still travel in junk grade bikes and various antique pickups that are better suited for transporting livestock (the livestock don't complain).  

To Protect and Serve. Why should they even we can't find it in our hearts to treat them with a modicum of decency. They, police wallas deserve to be treated with atleast a modicum of decency, otherwise they'll continue to have have minimal professional pride and become more prone to corruption. After all, on a human level, being able to afford nice stuff makes them feel better. Maybe we'd treat them differently if we realized that they are not so different from the rest of us.

A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com

Forever Proud to be Pakistani

I have rarely been one prone to self doubt (I'm fairly certain that I'd struggle to put together a workable definition), but even I am sometimes amazed about the stereotypes that foreigners (or locals, after all, I was in their country) had about Pakistan. In class, everyone tries very hard to be angelic, but once the class room vanishes, peoples prejudices have the ugly habit of rearing their elephant sized heads. Being a Pakistani, I generally enjoyed taking classes on politics; I dubbed it my 'genetic imperative', and whilst I was happily debating foreign policy, domestic policy the workings of governance, I never really took into consideration of what others thought of me, of my country, I naturally assumed that they thought I was brilliant were debating my idea's with a blind eye to my Nation. I was sadly mistaken in my naiveté, because you can choose to be whoever you want in college, but it doesn't change what others see...or worse, what they wish to.

I took a Political theory class on good governance, and as was custom, a bunch of the students got together and established a study group, or a 'think tank', as we liked to call it, though truth be told, there were relatively few thinkers and more jock 'tanks' in the group.

Since I knew some of the tanks through various joint activities, some of which involve this wonderful ..um... sport called cow tipping. I would typically give them a hand on their essays and edit their relatively un-impressive finished product (My nascent expanding ego was in full force). On one occasion a person who I had considered as a friend took some criticism I had on his paper rather badly, to be fair, I was in overly good spirits hence, couldn't help my self from amusing myself over vast number of spell checkable errors (which he has disabled because he thought it was 'dumb') and what was the last straw for him was his argumentation that in order to promote good governance, people ought to take a religiously principled morality test before they were allowed to join the government, elected or either wise. Now, I have no problem with a morality test, as long as it fits my morals. However, this particular 'Tank', felt that 'Does, Jesus guide you in your every day life' was an appropriate question for anyone desirous of joining the United States government.

Now, whilst I should have gently explained him the ludicrousness of the question and how it wasn't practical or ethical for a country founded on the principles of division between religion and government, (as most would have expected) I instead took a far more humorous route and made several satirical caricatures of how Jesus's guiding, could open the door for the government to be dominated by alcoholics and chemists trying to find the right formula for turning water into wine....as well as how Chris Angel could very well make the argument that as a master of walking on water, how he should be accorded the same status.

Needless to say, as funny as the rest of the group found my attention seeking antics, 'Tank' did not, he felt grossly insulted and felt that I was belittling his faith (I wasn't, just his stupidity). He immediately responded that I didn't have a right to criticize him as I came from a country run by terrorists. Now, to say I was shocked into silence would be accurate, but the truth was that I was fuming. How dare he criticize my beloved country, even with our imperfections, it was the only home that I had known. Unable to come up with a proper argument to admonish him for his ignorance, I retorted that my country wasn't the one that murdered thousands of civilians through repeated air strikes just to find one man.

My country wasn't the one that invaded nations to take advantage of their natural resources, my country wasn't the one that propped up Israel, despite the massive atrocities their forces commit in the west bank and finally that my country wasn't the one with the largest military and nuclear arsenal in the world (I may have forgotten to mention how his country collapsed the entire global economic system).

No, that was not my country. My country was the one that stood by the side of his country as an ally should, my country was the one that turned over suspected terrorists, and my country was the one that set up the meeting that ended the cold war. That is my country, what had his country done for the world lately other than throw money around, murder innocent women and children and prop up west-friendly dictators in the name of 'Democracy'. From that moment on, I knew who I was, I was Pakistani, and forever I would be Pakistani. It would be my home through disaster or prosperity and my love my nation could never diminish despite all the imperfections and negativity surrounding it. All countries are imperfect in their own way, just as they are perfect to each of our own.

In a media dominated world, we hear all the negativity, but we fail to see past our troubles and enjoy the small victories, whether it's an NGO providing environmentally friendly light bulbs or the fact that we have the cheapest tractors in the world to boost a strong, prosperous agricultural economy, we have many reasons to be proud, and it was a 'Tank' that made me really 'Think' about it. I know that despite the odds that I may live in many other places, that I am forever Pakistani and I will never doubt my own patriotism ever again.

Time Machine...Who Would You Meet?

How unbelievable awesome would it be if you could go back in time and meet folks, knowing what you do now. Minus the stock market gain that you would make, I think it was freaking amazing thing to do. So I compiled a list of people who I'd like to meet and why. 

People I'd like to go back in time and meet: 

1. In Pakistan, in some rural areas, people/super committed adrenaline drug addicts catch poisonous snakes/scorpions, and literally smoke the poison (usually out of a bong). So I want to go back in time and meet the innovator who thought it was a good idea to catch and then smoke a poisonous scorpion. Mad Respekt. Talk about commitment to getting high. 'I'm going to Kill you, and then I'm going to smoke you!" true visionary. 

2. Black mailing is not a new thing, as it actually quite a terrible things to do. But I'd still like to meet Tiger Woods, right after he got married so I could start black mailing him for tonnes of hush money, but I'd be nice, I'd even let him beat me at our weekly golf games/cash exchanges

3. Everyone like to complain about the huge deficits run under the Republican Presidency.So I'd like to be a good Samaritan and go back in time to meet George (Dubya) Bush, back when he was taking finance courses so I can explain to him in great detail what a balanced budget means (I totally understand, my 17 year old little sister still have problems balancing her balance sheet in accounts.....not to mention her budget). 

4. I understand how its a global consumer based economy we live in and how it gets really expensive and that everyone gets in debt. So I'd like to meet the man who came up with the bright idea for huge malls so women can shop all day and blow their (and their husband/boy friends) entire months salary in a single day....so I can kick him in the balls (bro code demands it). 

5. I grew up with everyone telling me how Oprah is a role model, a genius at helping people lose weight, solve their marital problems (basically perfect St. Oprah if you will), so I was forced to watch her shows from time to time (not when any 9 year old wants to watch when cartoons are on), so I'd like a little revenge. Go back in time to meet Oprah; Back when she was still skinny (so pretty far back), so I can tell her that she is going to really get as fat as a sumo wrestler, so she can just chill and have a Twinkie and let little Murtaza (who was extremely awesome kid) watch his cartoons. 

6. Agnes Bojaxhiu, for no other reason because she is one of those super charitable, generous people of our age. It's always good to meet really sweet hearted people and she fits the bill. Some would even say, that she has the heart of a Saint. You may know her as Mother Theresa.

7. Mick Jagger: If the man can rock concerts now, can you imagine how incredible he must have been 20-30 years ago. Word. 

8. John Lennon: Knock him out with a base ball bat about ten minutes before he heads out to get shot. Man could make some seriously sweet music. Beatles would totally make a come back. 

9. Head back to the 1400's Isabella of Spain's Royal court while Christopher Columbus is asking for seed money and tell her not to do it, saying "Your Highness, do you wish to be the laughing stock of the flat world?"....It will be Legen-wait for it-Dary. American Indians will worship me as being Chief Brown Skin of Masala Masala......if only they knew. 

10. Guy who invented chocolate. You are a beautiful man, and you must be full of wisdom about women. I promise to bring you some Weed, a bottle of Tequila, an XBox and a crate of Mars Bar....but you deserve so much more.  

11. Back in the time of Moses, explain to him how he rocks and everything, but that his compass is broken, but that I'll be more than happy to give him mine (I'm charitable like that); finally that he's going the wrong direction and I'll kindly point him the way to Eastern Europe. 

12. Meet the guys who built Stonehenge....what the hell were you dudes upto?

13. Myself, any time in the past will do. Talk about hanging out with a true legend. Hell, I even went back in time. 

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. Wood...in fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments.