Bravo: What a Beautiful Budget!

One must applaud our government's inherent ability to pull off the absolutely fantastical; Miraculously that uneducated lot (or the IMF) have constructed a budget worthy of our great nation. What a feat! Victory to Democracy! Revenge Rocks and all that!

Here are some of the salient features that I’m particularly impressed by:

Weed-Cigarette price equivalence policies: One may infer that the massive increase in tobacco taxation is completely in line with the Governments long standing desire to bring Drugs and Cigarettes to an equal price parity. However, I’d like to suggest that next time (assuming this government is around for a next time, future is rather uncertain), just legalize and tax Weed and say the IMF made you do it....or the Zionists. Trust me, you’ll make a lot more than the Rs. 30bn increase you have slated now. (Note: The Pakistani Youth may get around the tax increase by smoking their tobacco without filter rods: We do not wish to theorize how they gained their joint rolling skills). The 5% cut in imported drugs (pharmaceuticals) is truly broad minded as well. Bravo you Liberal Lot!

Go VAT!: Nope...um soon...like October 1st...ish. We'll see…(That’ll teach the IMF from telling us what to do), notably the last Prime Minister that implemented a comprehensive sales tax was ahem…relieved of Office by the “Military Protectorate”.

Capital Gains Tax: Terrific, let's drive out our local small investors and the foreign investors that were attracted to our market in the first place because of our relative cheapness. Say good bye to the Brokerage business. So, where are you going to make up their Tax Revenue shortfall....and all this for an expected Rs. 5bn in Tax revenue? Short sighted much?

Minimum Wage Increase: Brilliant move by the Government, bravo. I expect all government workers are excited by these proposed increases. Now if the government were able to do something like 'enforcement' this may have some impact on the wider economy. Oh, and by the way, when you increase the minimum wage....you tend to increase unemployment. Aren't we lucky that the government doesn't collect Unemployment data? It could be potentially embarrassing you know. 

Income Tax Exemption Increases: Sweet. Now how about growing the economy and ensuring that people actually have an income in the first place. That would be incredibly sweet of you.  

Turnover Tax on Loss Making Companies increase from 0.5% to 1%: Yeah, let's bankrupt our Fuel providers....it's not like they are important. And hey, I'm fairly ambivalent towards my cell phone usage too....

Withholding tax of 5% on Air Travel: Why are we putting a Tax on domestic travel versus International? Is there a vendetta against moving around in Pakistan? Is the government trying to encourage people to use Pakistan Railways....

9.5% Inflation Target: With the 1% increase in GST, new taxes, further tariff increases due to cuts in subsidies and downward sticky nature of prices.....wishful thinking much? Fingers crossed we can….adjust the numbers.

442bn for Defense: The wonderful 17% increase in our defense budget is an inspired idea. We’ll bomb our country to shreds and have the international aid agencies ‘rebuild’ it because ‘they made us do it’. At the very least they’ll ask us less about how we’re spending out PSDP funds….

Taxing Cold Air: 10% FED increase on Air Conditioners and Deep Freezers. An inspired choice I must say; so much more original than regulating the load of hot air emanating from our parliament. 

Circular Debt Crisis Resolved!: Err...how about not. still evaluating options.... Details to follow…eventually. Basically the current idea being thrown around are placing the financing burden on the big 5 Banks....because they've been sooo open to lending recently. Private Sector lending can be expected to crash even further. Good luck in meeting your growth target without ensuring sufficient credit to the Private Sector. 

All in all, this is truly a remarkable budget, encapsulating all of our hopes and dreams and providing genuine relief to the common man by…by….well, that’s in next years budget….or the one after that. 

Capitalism: Ordering Medication off the Menu

 There seems to be a fundamental change in the attitudes of people towards medication. Alot of people I know tend to pop pills, not necessarily the illegal kind, but mostly be over the counterPanadol, Advil, Augmentin (though to be fair, whether its over the counter or not, pharmacists will sell you anything) more often than they theoretically need. 

I'm not sure if it's because of work life balance issues but its slowing becoming a problem; the problem being that work seems to absorb people's live period and if one has a stressful job and barely any time for a life, its easy to see why one is attracted to solutions the size of a pill. We nothing if not efficient.

Now, I'm a fairly proud free market Capitalist, and in line with that over riding moral philosophy (I slept through ethics class) I have a proposal; Let Restaurants and Cafe's Sell pills. Now I'm not saying they should sell Vicoten (yet) or any other illegal harmful substances, but things like mild pain killers, vaccines, diet pills, laxatives, energy pills no problem (even sanitary iPads...sorry couldn't resist). 

After all, everyone gets a head ache once in a while; for some unfortunate people its just more often than others; Put it down to the work place's oppressive demand for greater productivity and our materialistic need, the rate of migraines has increased. In that vein a good capitalist should try to fulfil that niche market and enjoy the benefits (money) whilst taking a swig from the keg of glory. 

Pain killers are a necessary evil for the perpetually stressed and those trying to quit smoking (nicotine patches just aren't very manly, though they will be made available under my proposal). I have no qualms replacing one addiction with another, as humans we're better at substituting problems than eliminating them, call it human nature. Also I'm sure those suffering from actual medical ailments would also appreciate grabbing an Advil or Energy Pill along with their morning Coffee and Danish. 

Dieting is becoming pretty popular, though the problem is that in Pakistan, going out to eat is still the most common thing friends tend to do together. So for those who don't want to lose all of their friends and become an out cast, restaurants can start selling them diet pills off the menu!  

So one can go and gorge themselves with a hearty steak meal and then finish off with some convenient diet pills to justify their packed tummies.  In that same chain of though, laxatives could be sold (discreetly of course....capitalists can be sensitive too!).

People tend to enjoy their food a little bit too much sometimes and have heavy post meal stomachs, which make them very sleepy. Now sleeping after a big meal is very unhealthy, but lo and behold, restaurants can sell energy pills! 

Get a good boost of 5 Hour energy after a meal fit for a king(dom). You may say crazy, but I say Insanely profitable and highly advantageous (particularly for employers). 

Now these places already sell Cigarettes and Shisha/Hookah, which you can order off the menu (despite smoking in public indoor spaces being illegal in Pakistan). You'd be hard pressed to find an eating establishment not complete with an ashtray and smokers menu. 

So selling mildly harmful substances at eateries is not exactly uncommon and I would contend that a greasy Triple Decker burger is more harmful than popping a tiny FDA (Food Distribution Authorities) approved pill. 

This would also save lives for example for people suffering from an Asthmatic in the middle of a meal and need an on the spot inhaler (yes they'll be charged for it later) or Diabetics who badly need a dose of insulin (sell with measurement kit to increase revenue). 

Pills make people happy, whether physically or emotionally, establishments with happy customers tend to make a lot of money (oh and depriving customers is bad) and that's the bottom line....all the way to bank.  

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. Wood...in fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments.