Insane Aunties: The Scourge of The Sub-Continent

We're Coming For Your Brains!.....Betas loge!

Whilst men, like myself, are quite adept at proclaiming a general lack of fear in our 'manly' endeavors to climb mountains, enter in hot dog eating contests, date our friend's sisters (just kidding...or am I?), drink milk after a substantive meal of Nihari or even drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, there is one thing that makes all desi men quake in there boot. Aunties. Crazy ones. 

I even have a complex, mathematical formula that quantitatively expresses the conundrum, in...well...loosely put....BS form. Bhai Statistical....ism...ish....stuff.

Puppies + Goldilocks + Maldivian Coffee = Darth Vader

Proof: Puppies are deceptively cute till they bite you. Goldilocks is a nasty wench who goes around sleeping in people's beds and eating their food. No one like Maldivian Coffee; because it gives you the runs. Hence, No one likes Darth Vader because he smells like Maldivan Coffee has the propensity take other peoples stuff and he's a wench. 

Darth Vader = Desi Genes

Proof: If their mothers and bosses would let them, Desi guys would own nothing else other than black clothing and talk in throaty cig-wretched voices. Can't mess with Science. 

Female Puppies = Rabies = Aunties

Puppies have rabies, since rabies rhymes with babies and Aunties have babies or call everyone baby, therefore they are just like Aunties.

Desi + Aunties = Insane Aunties   

Proof: Brown Aunties have a special skin pigment that upon coming into contact with Rabies mutates them into a Chai drinking Zombie on Ecstasy. 

Aunties + Rabies = Insane Aunites = Darth Vader = Evil

Proof: All Aunties have rabies are insane, and by virtue of being Desi are insane and do inappropriate things like Darth Vader. Like looting, pillaging, murdering, lying, stealing, coughing, war mongering, cheating (for a more complete list, refer to Star Wars). 

Hey, Pinky, we're So hip na, your son is soooo Hot!

Every Desi person is well aware of the 'Insane Aunty syndrome' that has infected our happy, peace loving society. What is surprising about this condition is that every desi women's catches it...usually in wedding halls (close proximity in tight spaces is a boon for diseases of all sorts), it just manifests in different ways. 

Women, undergoing the Insane Aunty Phase can be cured; a detox of Hajj, the Bahamas or a dearth of 'good' marriage grade girls and boys is highly recommended. As is a charity they can pretend to be a substantial part off. These infected Aunties are actually rather easy to spot, they are often observed with latest big buggy sun glasses, latest designer wear that always seems a few inches too tight, are replete with over sized bags, state of the art cell phones (which they only use to call & occasionally take picture) and the talent to spread news faster than the black plague, or more currently, denguey. 

I'm not sure what it is about Pakistan that nurtures these women, but I'm betting on a conspiracy spearheaded by the insidious European Pygmies of North Southern Slovakia....it's a top secret group....like the Zionists!

I'm certain off is that there is some sort of genetic disposition in sub-continental women that, at a drop of a hat, makes them turn into bat shit fucking crazy beings hell bent on ridding the world of the unmarried, and mosquitoes. not necessarily in that order. 

In Pakistani, 'Hot Aunties' is a very popular search term. In the spirit of lucidity, I'm fairly confident that a disproportional number of these childish searches are by boys (and girls, I'm broad minded like that) seeking materials of the pornographic nature (Side note: I love that I can pretend to write like an adult). I think it's the Desi equivalent to MILF or perhaps the searchers were hoping to view their favorite Insane Aunty on Fire. 

Tell Us More About This North South Slovak Consipiracy!

Now Pakistani girls in general are rather blessed in the looks department. They have what can only be described as copy right on Diva'esque 'God deems that you'll definitely get married...if you want to' body type. However, once a woman enters the Aunty stage (loosely defined at say 35, though I do know a toddler lass who prances around with an over sized hand bag, cell phone and shades large enough to protect her brain from UV rays), she tends to....um change.  

The Visual Facts Speak for themselves

The 'it's natural to put on a few pounds' comment, turns into several...dozen... of those 'few pounds', which is fine, because that's genetics. However, Insane Aunties love to 'barely notice' and have decade long conversations about everyone else's weight except for their own; I have the feeling that lack of mirrors and being self-delusional helps. As do prescription drugs.

PS: Their Tailors are lying to them about their waists.

Gossip: Aunties are criticized for minute things like not knowing how to use the world wide web. Which is true, but the reason why is very simple. Aunties are the world wide web. Gossip spreading in an aunty circles like a plague of well... denguey. 

Once a bit of gossip gets the tiniest bit of attention, one may as well have announced it in the north pole via loudspeaker. They're getting in on Facebook too....The Millat Kind (everyone's outgrown Orkut).

Insane Aunties have an enhanced sense of smell, which they use for their sleuthing. Want to know if a girl is pregnant, ask an insane aunty and she'll give you accurate intel. One whiff. The American Drug Traffickers Association must piss in their pants every time they see one. 

In an age where most older people can't understand cell phones, Insane Aunties have some psychic relationship with their phones, they always are on it, know when it's going to ring and why. I'm betting that there is a Swedish chip tucked away in the recesses of their brains. Right next to the hypocrisy ignorer kill switch.

Women carry massive bags, that's not secret. Insane Aunties, not only carry massive bags, they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of Sugar, Ketchup, Hot Sauce Sachets, BBQ Tonight Wet Wipes, decade old receipts,....and it's no wonder why they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of 'Bootilicious'. Kill me now. 

Devious; no matter what position you take, an aunty will be able to add some insight that makes it sound like she agrees with you. before she lambasts you later in a classy bitchy way ofcourse. they call it 'being polite'. Want to create a scandal? Tell her anything....even Alien stories work.

A nation of Match Makers: In a culture where arranged marriage are the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it get's done? it's the Auntie nation coming to the fore! Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate Peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made. 

The sad thing is that as crazy and ridiculous as Insane Aunties are, leaving the youth quivering in their wake, it's these kooks that help make our lives entertaining. So as much as the grief, it's totally worth it. No one complained about the plague after they died from it did they? If you can't beat them, know that eventually you'll be genetically required to join them.

Special thanks to all Desi women that do not morph into Insane Aunties. Your contribution to the male sanity is appreciated. 

Living in a City of Boom Boom

Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes you'll know that you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Whenever their is a suicide bombing in Pakistan, I get a deluge of concerned notes asking about my and my family's health (less lately as its become a daily occurrence, and the realization that I live in Karachi which has until recently, been largely untouched by the terror campaign). 

I appreciate the concern from my friends and I thank god every day for the fact that my loved ones are safe. So far my luck has been exemplary, so I continue praying for the streak to continue (if it ain't broke why fix it). 

One of the questions I got asked a lot was 'how do you live with all the uncertainty, isn't it dangerous and make you feel unsafe?" 

A part of my wants to laugh it off, not deal with the fact that I grew up and currently live in a scary unpredictable explosive city. A part of me wants to shrug it off and be tough about it in a debonair way, but the truth is that Death (not to mention the process of dying) scares me, but oddly enough not as much as it happening to my family and friends. The rest of me just wants to to look them straight in the eye and say yes. 

A suicide bombing is a tragic thing, but as someone said 'If someone wants to trade his life for yours, there is not a whole lot you can do about it'. It is that hopelessness, and the realization in that no matter what you do, short of perpetual house arrest, that there is nothing to do. In acceptance of that reality is where I feel at peace. 

I eventually came to the conclusion that as a nation, Pakistani citizens had inadvertently put themselves through the 7 stages of grief. Obviously, everyone dealt with their own personal circumstances differently, but the pattern was the same, dealing with unexpected losses and the fallout from the mindless destructive taking of lives, perhaps even their own loved ones. 

1. Shock; Terrorist strikes are random, unexpected and in destructive. It befuddles one how a 'religious Islamic war' is fought by killing innocents. It's one thing to attack military bases, but quite another to attack markets, mosques and religious processions. How such warped backward people live in our society is shameful. 

2. Denial; We like to think that its not really Pakistanis that are behind these attacks, that evil crazy foreigners from the middle east and the dysfunctional Stan regions (Afghanistan, Uzbekistan etc) are really behind it. Sadly, for a time, we ignore all evidence to the contrary. There is also the scope where we try to deny that things are as bad as they are. Now that all the terrorists have blown themselves that we can finally live in peace.

 

3. Bargaining; Our government has tried it, peace agreements, peace talks, tacit agreements all to no avail. It also makes us wonder what we could do to reverse the loss? Distraught family members ask God Why them, and unleash the I wish you would have 'taken me instead' mindset. Unfortunately, God and terrorist suicide bomber do have one thing in common, their is no use for bargaining other than to make ourselves feel better. 

4. Guilt; We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel guilt. I'm sure the establishment that originally set up and supported the terrorist cells in the hope to neutralize India and control Afghanistan experience more than their fair share. One tends to blame themselves in order to reconcile with their loss. Perhaps 

5. Anger; It is unavoidable, and expressing it is a national pastime rivaling cricket. We like burning cars, looting shops, closing down entire cities with our griefs. Say what you will, but Pakistanis are intensely passionate people and inflaming an entire metropolis isn't as hard or uncommon as one would think.  Mostly, its anger at the injustice of it all, after all the people killed are innocents, whether they are in the midst of worship, or buying shoes or even enjoying a night out, there is no justice in their deaths. Whether its anger towards god, terrorists, the government, the army etc, its still pain and economically rather expensive.  

6. Depression; Feelings of hopelessness, it hits us all hard and fast. It comes and goes as it pleases. That sensation of sadness from within is mind numbing and emotion sapping. Nothing will bring those people back, and nothing will deter those maniacs who slaughter in the name of God. I personally think its a fear of the unpredictability and the realization that no one is safe. 

7. Acceptance; After a point, one has to deal with the reality of living in Pakistan. Even if one is lucky and has never known someone to have actually died in one of these horrific attacks, one must learn to live with the reality. Find their own coping mechanism, maybe even joke about it....yes I'm having a Blast...ha ha. At this stage we realize that life will never be the same but we choose to continue to see hope and meaning in the future. not necessary because we believe it, but because we have to have hope in order to go on and continuing to cherish our lives. 

End of the day you keep going, move on, live, laugh and squeeze every drop of happiness life has to offer, because you never know what day will be your last. It may sound a bit forlorn and damning but I'm not, even in the best of times life and it's duration is unpredictable. From the moment we are born to our last breath we put our lives in the hands of God and pray to him to bless us and serve at his will. The atheist alternate of 'well, the idea of dying sure sucks, thank god I have an insurance policy,' does not really seem appealing to me.  

I like to think I've reached the acceptance level, but after every attack I find myself reliving the steps over and over again. Disappointingly, I find myself increasingly desensitized to it all, rushing through the steps at increasingly record time. I abhor that change in myself, suffering and feeling emotions (particularly sad ones) is a part of life. Slowly, I feel that my humanity (which I revere) and compassion is slowly being eroded away by the onslaught. Maybe that's what the real goal of the terrorists is. Once we are all stripped of our humanity, we'll stop caring what they do, we'll just live with it, we'll just want it to stop. The population at large may even elect them (worked for Nepal....sort off).

So the short answer is that it can suck living my city of Boom Boom, but I still love it here. My heart is with my family, friends and my people, as long as they are here, my home will be where my heart lies. That is Pakistan. You live your life the best way you know how and leave the rest up to God.