Islamic Chastity Belts: Crazy or Genius?

Why I Wrote This

The whole fear that parents have about their children having sex is pretty outrageous, particularly in Pakistan. However, in my gracious self I have decided to cash in on this opportunity and re-invent an old age product for the times. After all, condoms are actually ancient technology re-invented...now it's time for

Islamic Chastity Belts; A Comprehensive All Encompassing Islamic Solution to Upholding Moral Values!

It sounds ludicrous, but just because it in fact is, doesn't mean that there won't be demand for it and be insanely profitably. After all, who would have thought that PET ROCKS, would be a viable business.....seriously.

1. Marriage Friendly: Buy two, get one free. Get them for the entire family (if you have multiple wives that is), if you ever have fears that your female spouse is cheating on you, no need to worry anymore! Just make her wear an Islamic Chastity Belt and all of your fears about extra marital affairs (well, hers anyway), will evaporate! Go to work stress free and come home with the remote controlled lock in hand. I'm not saying that everyone is at risk of cheating (even though they are), but why take the risk? (Note: I recommend removing these during giving birth.)

2. Rape Prevention Tool: No rapist in his right mind would ever approach a girl if he had the slightest inkling that she was wearing one of these. The mere thought of those potentially deadly spikes would take eradicate any bad intentions or Un-Islamic ideas.....also the desire to bring about a death penalty on rapists can inadvertently be passed....yeah, those spikes look damn scary and since even evil men like remaining men, the incidence of rape will fall dramatically. Ha, I bet some hot shot western entrepreneur/legislator wish they thought of that!

3. Protects against Girl on Girl Action: The latest fear parents have been having from sending their daughters to all girl schools and colleges is the new fear of 'lesbianism' (I'm looking at you Mount Holyoke, Wellesley College, Kinnaird, DHA degee College for Women etc etc). Now I don't think it's a problem, particularly when my kid sister, in responce to a Friends episode, once proclaimed that although she didn't like boys, she didn't think she could be a lesbian either.

These belts, will allow women to attend these institutions unmolested, free from any potentially lesbian activities rife that may disrupt their learning. Say what you will, but we Islamic men protect our women from sexual deviance. High Five!

4. Parental Trust Enhancer: Parents can finally heave a sigh of relief when their teenage hormonal daughters go out with their friends or even boyfriends. When they start imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, they can just chill out and (evil) laugh about it. Seriously, Parents don't trust their kids, and to be fair some of the time, it's for good reason. Now they can heave a sigh of relief and give me their money. (Note: Demand for other sexual stimulation may increase.)

5. Religion & Fear Based Demand: Parents are extremely fearful of what their kids may do. I expect fathers in particular to drive up sales into the millions in the first few months alone. My advertising campaign will show two sisters who go on divergent paths, the one without the belt becomes a Party going Socialite cum Actress who is actually manically depressed by her unfulfilling life, whereas the Islamic chastity belt toting one is bright, happy, probably a Hijabi and is very spiritual. Which daughter would you prefer to have?

There will also be a huge export market with the Arab market in particular being especially profitable, though we are mindful that copy right laws might still not prevent China from producing a cheaper copy cat product.... but we are prepared for that. We will have all of our stylish belts to be blessed by Crazy Clerics (no shortage of those!).

I expect that Michelle Obama will buy hundreds of these and have every female White House staffer fitted with these (just incase). So yeah, Pakistan will be exporting morality all of the world, how Awesome are we?

6. Parliamentary Stamp Approval: Our blessed Parliament despite it's rampant corruption and short comings, still has tremendous support in the country, after all, they were legally elected. Fortunately for the Islamic Chastity Belt business Pakistan's Parliament is always on the look out for ridiculous things to pass, they can pass a non-binding resolution lauding these Islamic Chastity Belts as a necessary tool in the upliftment of the morally depraved youth. Political Genius really. Just support the bill and count the votes till your liberal opponents starts crying.

Infact the female MP's can all sponsor the bill and extol it's virtues on how it makes 'youngsters' focus on their studies more instead of spending time in the pursuit of the opposite sex. I even have a name for the bill, 'Devices for the Promotion of Islamic Virtue Bill".

7. Special Features: 
A: An extra amount of cushion for comfort: Just because it seems brutal doesn't mean it can't be comfy...we're civilized after all!
B: A tracking device: Just to know where they are....for their own protection ofcourse, we live in such uncertain times.
C: A remote controlled opener, which will be activated the minute a girl enters her home: This will also encourage girls to stay at home more and spend quality time with their families increasing the family bond and making them far more virtuous, boys who now lack any purpose to chase girls will also sit at home and study.
D: Gold Version available: A poor family can literally invest their wealth in their women. Whilst richer ones can just show off that they're daughters literally shit on Gold.

The Big Idea:

We live in a society, nay in a world where we fear the occurrence of sex outside marriage, but the correct tool isn't an Islamic Chastity Belt, it's trust, it's parenting, it's imparting the values that you wish for your kids to have through setting a good example. If you can't do that, I'll be selling these Belts and protecting your daughters chastity online. You can't put a price tag on being Virtuous can you?

Can I get a High Five?

Pakistan Tourism Policy 2010

I recently read a piece on Pakistan's Tourism policy; basically on how it should be improved with cheaper lodging, modest travel costs etc. Now I was amazed that the government even had a tourism policy (or a ministry....or tourists for that matter), but lo and behold, Pakistan does! With a Snazzy website, www.tourism.gov.pk Who would have thought it? 

Now I have some ideas on how to bring Pakistani Tourism on the upswing!

Make your Millions Campaign! ( Generously Funded by the US Terrorism Watch List). 

Main Slogan "Broke? No Problem, Grab your Gun and We Got You!"

Expertly release news items stating how Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah etc are all actually located in Pakistan (so they can keep the local domestic terrorists company, we probably have the highest domestic terrorist per capita in the world! Take That Ripleys!), this will modestly result in a jack pot of tourism. 

With properly placed ads on Fox News (CNN and the liberal media viewers are wusses), Black Water and every mercenary hunting group in the world will come and seek out these guys for the big US Bounty on their heads! There can even be vacation packages for the retired ex military chaps! 

In my mind, that translates into at least 200,000 guys (Pakistan is a big country). Dog the Bounty Hunter might even shoot a few seasons here....he'll never be short of challenges, we'll even comp him room and board (Pakistani's are generous like that). Yay Reality TV! And Bounties....and Booties, but I digress. 

A negative side effect may be a US Coalition led invasion...though to be fair Fiji and Haiti have their own problems right now, so they may need to skip on that. Though if an invasion took place, that's easily half a million troops/tourists right there! Imagine the tourist bucks! And then there are the international NGO's, development organizations etc, Volumetric awesomeness guaranteed. 

Since Pakistan has the innate ability to spew out a new generation of crazies by the clock, this will be a long term strategy, though Pakistan may have to subsidize the hit list at some point to get catch folks that actually do harm people and not just foreign interests (depending on the government in power some may be re-released into the wild for the entire process to start all over again). 

Death Defying Sporting Adventures: Adrenaline rush Guaranteed!(life insurance is not available)

Main Slogan "Don't be a wuss...Risk it all! We Dare YOU & We'll help ;) "

Start a new advertising campaign on how Pakistan is the new home of extreme sports. Every adrenaline junkie on the planet is just looking for their next rush. Here the rush is 24/7 365 days a year! Think about it, Pakistan is a country with dangerous landscape. In K2, we have the second highest (and still growing) mountain in the world, crazy weird deserts, perhaps one of the world most polluted oceans and the kicker is that this is discounting the fundamentalist nut jobs! Take extreme to a whole new level! And that's without considering the fundamentalist crazies. 

Skiing with explosion induced landslides, climbing mountains with bullet holes and swimming in an ocean of spilt oil and teeming with mutated animals. Way Rad! The medical ramifications will also result in these tourists having to spend months (maybe even years!) in intensive care (with our hospitals it'll probably be years); their loved ones and relatives may even show up and augment our tourist dollars! I say we even throw in a few surf boards and free mountain climbing equipment.  

We'll even host the X games and make Tony Hawk President for the day (he can't read Urdu, but politicians are fairly illiterate, so whats the worst he could do?). 

Find the Perfect Submissive Wife campaign. (No Refunds)

Main Slogan "Perfect Bride + Perfect You = Perfect Happiness!"

Living abroad, there appears to be some myth about how girls from the home land are perfect; that they cook, clean, sew, well mannered, respectful, completely traditional, and are excellent baby popping devices to boot! Now when anyone (with any sense of reality) hears this, it is supremely funny (mostly idiotic). 

The fact that its a pipe dream is irrelevant (I live here, trust me). It's a terrific marketing opportunity. If Israel can fund their expats to come and check out the homeland, Pakistan's Ministry of Tourism should too! But with a wife/spousal focus, they can spin it like an investment as marriage is long term (even though divorce rates are creeping up...repeat business yo!). Everyone knows what a long process wife hunting in Pakistan is! The wife hunters will be here for months at a stretch and Islam allows 4 wives fellas ;) 

White people in particular will love it, as they'll get someone exotic and Pakistani families can brag about how fair their new in laws are and how often they get to travel! Win, Win Situation!

With Western divorce rates the way they are, at the very least Pakistan will benefit enormously from remittances (particularly with the no refund policy). And if the unions work out, all the better; the (not so) happy couples tell all of their friends to get a Paki Bride while privately drinking each other into oblivion once they realize that they have nothing in common and that neither are perfect or as modern as they thought. 

Online acquisitions and mail order bride catalogues are a potential downside to this, unless the government steps in with tough regulation (That they actually enforce). 

 

Pakistan: The Ideal Summer School Program

Main Slogan: "Nothing Tans like the Taliban!"

Give your kids a little culture, don't let them waste another summer at some fancy camp or take a trip to Europe (so boring and so last century). 

From time to time, one comes across parents who gleefully remember the days where kids respected their elders and how schools knew how to administer discipline. Unfortunately as fondly as they look at their scars, then tend to forget how they beaten unconscious and that there may still be residual brain damage.  

Now Muslim parents abroad often lament how their children are 'losing' their religion, though in their kids defense in order to lose it, you have to have it first. Now I can understand how parents want their kids to have the same cool set of values that they had (Does 'pull up your pants! if they get any lower they will fall off!' and 'Beta (son), please let me sew those ripped jeans of yours, they look sooo bad, the neighbors will think we are in poverty' sound familiar?) 

So I propose we combine the two, and have an awesome summer program where the focus in on  getting closer to god, whilst getting a freaking amazing tan! The Taliban teachers will tan the kids butts, whilst the sun tans the rest! Activities offered will vary, such as a course for girls on "How to dress modestly and sexy" at the same time and for boys, "How to groom your beard while not looking like a homeless person". 

Summers here are awesome, your also guaranteed an even brown tan (even in winters) plus you can't buy the cultural experiences that your kids will gain. They'll leave with a whole new out look on life (it may be a tad bit fundamentalist though).

Imagine it, scented love notes being passed from exchanging Qurans (there will be no discrimination on same sex romances....Islam is Tolerance Biatch!). Summer romance taken to a whole new level. Family deal discounts available! Free Lashing Guaranteed!

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).